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"When are you having another child?"

March 10th, 2007 at 01:02 am

Mindboggling.

Answer: "One's all I need to be a parent. One's all I can comfortably afford."

"Why? Do you and your husband work at McDonald's?"

"Daycare is $900 a month."

I don't really feel like saying we can't afford to live here on my husband's income, nor do I feel like explaining that he doesn't feel any impetus to earn more money, or that I earn in any given month 80-120% of what he earns: being a single wage-earner family would be a big drop. I usually shoot back: "are you going to pay for it?"

Usually the people who ask me why I don't have more children are the people who gripe about families breeding more than they need to/can afford. Or are from countries with subsidized daycare. Or are in their sixties.

15 Responses to “"When are you having another child?"”

  1. denisentexas Says:
    1173488841

    Ugh, what business is it of theirs anyway? I think so often comments and questions such as that are just conversational, ice breakers, or some such nonsense. People would be better off talking about politics or religion or se.... err, never mind. Wink

  2. tinapbeana Says:
    1173493822

    DH and i have been married for almost 2 years, and went through about a 6 month timeframe when everyone asked when we were finally going to have kids... i've stopped trying to explain that we don't particularly want children right now: people just look at me like i'm nuts...

  3. LuckyRobin Says:
    1173499684

    I hate when people do this. The decision to have children or not have them or have more of them is an intensely personal one. It is no one else's business. I hated it when people would ask me that. I always wanted a bunch of kids myself, but I am lucky to have the two I have as I had four other pregnancies that miscarried. And I was on bed rest for good chunks of the two that made it full term. I am okay talking about it now, but at the time, there were a few people I wanted to punch or kick for their thoughtlessness. Now when people say I should have more kids or ask when I will, I just say I'm done or if they press I say I can't have more. Because I can't but they don't need to know that unless I let them know that and they don't need to know why I can't either unless I feel like telling them.

    Also, my cousin was unable to conceive for twelve years and it hurt her so much that people were always asking her when she was going to have kids. She finally adopted and then got pregnant and people asked her if she was going to give the adopted baby back! As if! I just don't get the rudeness of some people.

    You don't know what you are stepping into when you ask those questions, you don't know what people have been through or what they are willing to go through. You don't know if they are able to conceive or can't afford it or lost the parts due to tumors, or don't wish to make it harder on the one they can afford by having another and scraping by all the time. And its not your business to know unless they are willing to share it.

    All that just to empathize. Your choices are yours and they are no one else's business! I guess this is my hot button issue.

  4. baselle Says:
    1173500827

    I don't have children, so I'm lucky that no one asks. The last time someone asked why I don't have children, I got a faraway look in my eyes, then said, "I had a child once .... it was delicious."

    Then I had to move. Big Grin

  5. JanH Says:
    1173503797

    I hate it when people ask incredibly personal questions that are none of their business. What gives with these people? Along with those who ask how much you paid for something.....sheesh! But this is much worse. I don't really mind when someone asks me to explain what my disorders are like, if they genuinely want to understand or especially if they are facing some of the same. But good grief, I've never understood why people ask those questions that you've been hit with.

  6. paulettegoddard Says:
    1173507829

    **LuckyRobin, I too was on bedrest for the last six weeks of my pregnancy. I had a great pregnancy other than the bedrest but I had a sucky birthing experience. I also got tired of changing diapers and have no desire to do that again. I love my kid, and asking me when I'm going to have a follow-up to him almost hints that I need to improve or have a matching set, and might reprise all that I wasn't quite able to forget about the birthing.

    **baselle, Chas Addams would be proud of you!

  7. LuckyRobin Says:
    1173510586

    Oh, I was so glad to leave diapers behind! I think people think that only children are lonely and they "have" to have a sibling to keep them company. But they have friends, they usually have cousins and they have a closer relationship with their parents, I think because there's more time. People think having a second child doubles your responsibilities, but it is more like quadruples it! Not that I would give my second child up for anything, but that's because I wanted him to begin with, not because someone else thought I should have two (or more) kids.

  8. monkeymama Says:
    1173548134

    Gosh, I think someone here mentioned once was there reply was infertility or something - shuts people up. Try that one.

    I have actually been annoyed that some of my "one child" friends get really defensive, when I Talk about anything good about having 2 kids. But I am starting to understand why with time. Gosh I never thought or said they should have another kid - to each their own. But over time you see how these people are constantly questioned about their decisions - gosh I Would be defensive too. IT actually seems to be quite a common decision in more expensive areas so I am not sure why people still get so much flak. I probably know more people who only intend to have 1 child than otherwise.

    But reminds me, My mother wanted my sister and I closer and we were 6 years apart. My dh's family thinks all of this is very controllable (even with all the miscarriages and a stillbirth even between them all). My MIL to this day still says it is so awful we are 6 years apart. HELLO!!!!!! Lord knows my mom tried her best to have us closer together. Ironically, they are so know-it-all but they have a relative who can not bear her own child. I find it ironic that one of the judgemental clan can't even have a child. As if a slap upside the head that no you can not control these things. Anyway, I know too many people going through fertility treatments to have a 2nd child to ever ask anyone what they are waiting for. & I guess I don't see what is so wrong with having 1 child. Sorry people are such idiots!

  9. monkeymama Says:
    1173548326

    Gosh, I think someone here mentioned once was there reply was infertility or something - shuts people up. Try that one.

    I have actually been annoyed that some of my "one child" friends get really defensive, when I Talk about anything good about having 2 kids. But I am starting to understand why with time. Gosh I never thought or said they should have another kid - to each their own. But over time you see how these people are constantly questioned about their decisions - gosh I Would be defensive too. IT actually seems to be quite a common decision in more expensive areas so I am not sure why people still get so much flak. I probably know more people who only intend to have 1 child than otherwise.

    But reminds me, My mother wanted my sister and I closer and we were 6 years apart. My dh's family thinks all of this is very controllable (even with all the miscarriages and a stillbirth even between them all). My MIL to this day still says it is so awful we are 6 years apart. HELLO!!!!!! Lord knows my mom tried her best to have us closer together. Ironically, they are so know-it-all but they have a relative who can not bear her own child. I find it ironic that one of the judgemental clan can't even have a child. As if a slap upside the head that no you can not control these things. Anyway, I know too many people going through fertility treatments to have a 2nd child to ever ask anyone what they are waiting for. & I guess I don't see what is so wrong with having 1 child. Sorry people are such idiots!

    Oh & the same definitely holds true for childless couples. Frankly it's probably good to give the earth a bit of a break. I don't see why everyone has to pro-create.

  10. monkeymama Says:
    1173548450

    Gosh, I think someone here mentioned once was there reply was infertility or something - shuts people up. Try that one.

    I have actually been annoyed that some of my "one child" friends get really defensive, when I Talk about anything good about having 2 kids. But I am starting to understand why with time. Gosh I never thought or said they should have another kid - to each their own. But over time you see how these people are constantly questioned about their decisions - gosh I Would be defensive too. IT actually seems to be quite a common decision in more expensive areas so I am not sure why people still get so much flak. I probably know more people who only intend to have 1 child than otherwise.

    But reminds me, My mother wanted my sister and I closer and we were 6 years apart. My dh's family thinks all of this is very controllable (even with all the miscarriages and a stillbirth even between them all). My MIL to this day still says it is so awful we are 6 years apart. HELLO!!!!!! Lord knows my mom tried her best to have us closer together. Ironically, they are so know-it-all but they have a relative who can not bear her own child. I find it ironic that one of the judgemental clan can't even have a child. As if a slap upside the head that no you can not control these things. Anyway, I know too many people going through fertility treatments to have a 2nd child to ever ask anyone what they are waiting for. & I guess I don't see what is so wrong with having 1 child. Sorry people are such idiots!

    Oh & the same definitely holds true for childless couples. Can be just as bad - the same reasons - gosh - just such a personal thing...

  11. monkeymama Says:
    1173549885

    I just had to add I think our reasons for having no more kids is mostly financial too - I hear you on that. The thought of going through another pregnancy and having a newborn again mostly makes me shudder. Between the 2 I finally agreed to some more permanent measures - we can always adopt if we win the lottery - sounds good to me. I just hated to make a permanent decision on our finances so young. But when thinking of putting my body through that one more time - eh - made the decision easier. I am certainly not getting any younger, pregnany at 25 was not fun, I am sure it won't be any more fun at 35 or 45, though it seems more common these days. I am worn out myself...

  12. monkeymama Says:
    1173549941

    sorry for the double post - oops.

  13. monkeymama Says:
    1173549993

    You can delete all these - everytime I hit edit it adds a new post - geesh.

  14. princessperky Says:
    1173575306

    I honestly do not understand why it is anyones buisness!!

    And so what if you want to be done now, with or without finances, you should get to decide the size of your family not them.

  15. KEALINA Says:
    1173576964

    after we got married last year we got a lot of that same comments and questions... i just shrug them off and tell them we're waiting for awhile...no need to explain any reasons unless we feel like it...
    i do think that McDonalds comment or ones like it are rude and unwarrented... honestly, i don't mind if people ask but if they are rude or won't drop the subject that's a different matter...

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