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Home > Gotta Find a More Relevant Peer Group

Gotta Find a More Relevant Peer Group

February 23rd, 2007 at 03:31 pm

I have PostPoverty Stress Disorder.

I had a "math crash" figuring out the bill at a restaurant, which made my friend snappish and belligerent (I also didn't join her in a cocktail either). Sometimes all it takes is to ride in someone's BMW, or hear about a vacation, or how my kid's peers are being sent to private schools, and I fall prey to the sin of covetousness. 'Cause my friends have no kids, and parents who actually owned property and had assets. They can relax.

For instance: For the past nine years I have wanted to go to Hawaii for winter. It burned to hear other mothers talk about their upcoming Hawaii vacations.

I talked to my spouse and he told me for many years he had to stay home while his friends and classmates flew to Disney World or Disneyland. Our plus-kid trips are typically to see my spouse's parents, or they are drives to Vancouver BC or Portland OR. We reminisced about the trips we took nine years ago when our rent was $600, our salaries were half of what they are now. Our net worth was $9000 when we took those trips, tops. Mortgage, sans real estate tax and insurance, is twice the rent. Our net worth, $440,000. The lads went to visit my in-laws, who do not live in Palm Springs or Waikiki. They're temporarily infirm, so their getting over here is not feasible at this time.

The sad thing: our kid actually has it pretty swell compared to what we had at his age. Both our sets of parents were still renting. He hasn't moved three times like my family did. He has a college fund. We don't eat marshmallow fluff for three days because that's the only thing in the house. A BIG trip for us was to a city 150 miles away. He even has a set of parents who like each other and don't have a dysfunctional relationship. Dammit, why isn't this enough for me?

Instead of hearing from my aunts how their daughters are getting ahead "upgrading their spouses" and relying on the spouses to bring home the big bucks and making me feel like a dumbass for earning my own money and not relying as much on my husband, instead of reading "maybe cut your cell phone or get rid of your cats" for budget recommendations I just want to read that yes, the first five years of parenting a child are costlier than normal, there's light at the end of the tunnel. And to be reminded that our mortgage term is shorter than the terms of other families, so we're building equity faster. And it'd help if someone would virtually pat my hand and say "oh sure, putting in 10% with an employer match in your 401(k) and budgeting to fit in Roth IRA maximum contributions will pay off in the long run, more than sweet memories of sipping cocktails on a beachfront deck watching the sun set over the Pacific when you're in your 30s, and come to think of it, going from $9K to $440K in nine years isn't the crappiest thing ever."

13 Responses to “Gotta Find a More Relevant Peer Group”

  1. Lux Living Frugalis Says:
    1172245464

    It's not the crappiest thing ever! Sounds like you are putting all the right arithmetic formulas in the correct order, and in most likely a very short time you'll be feeling enough breathing room to fly those friendly skies!!

    Chin up, you're making the right moves, it does take a bit of time for the snap back affect/effect? (I can never remember which) to occur.

    I'm proud of you and here's a hand pat from me!! }}}PAT{{{

    Probably not enough when the green meanies sneak up on you, but still you got one somebody in your corner!!

  2. Ima saver Says:
    1172248422

    I think you are doing great!!

  3. Nic Says:
    1172249773

    For 17 years,I worked for a large corporation,made good buck$ and STILL brought home lunch. I wasn't a clothes horse, didn't need a fancy anything,paid a very low mortgage, had a paid for car and truck and STILL caught the bus to work because it was cheaper. I put in the max allowed in my 401K and my company matched the first 6% to the tune of 66 2/3 on the dollar. I also bought savings bonds and put $50.00 in a separate savings account every week. I knew there was something else waiting for me on the horizon.
    When I was given the opportunity to take an early retirement, I jumped at it...rented out my house, moved to the desert, bought another house,got a p/t job I actually like and pat myself on the back for all of the years of planning.
    You ARE making all the right moves. There will come a day when you'll look back and see all the party goers struggeling to make ends meet. You, on the other hand will be waving goodbye to them from the top deck of the QE2.

  4. Lux Living Frugalis Says:
    1172250134

    Right Nic - I bet those waitresses that Ima worked with back in the day wished now they had listened to her frugal saving advice!! The truth will win out in time Paulette Goddard!

  5. PauletteGoddard Says:
    1172250476

    I love you all. I should just be tickled to death to be in a good marriage, have my health, a job where I can be productive and bring home the prosciutto, and a house and be debtfree. That should really be it for me -- I'd still be living large compared to 98% of the planet.

  6. katwoman Says:
    1172258576

    "Upgrading their spouses!?!?!?!?!" Do people really talk like that?????

    If you really want the sort of reality check to put it all in perspective, go to your 20th or 25th high school reunion. Be floored at how many of your peers are divorced, unhappy, in debt, struggling, living back at home with parents, embroiled in custody battles, bitter. Need I go on? That was a real eye-opener for me!

    Honey, you got it good!

  7. PauletteGoddard Says:
    1172258960

    yes, katwoman, people really talk like that. Someone used that very phrase Saturday night.

    My perspective was corrected when I went to my home country recently: people with children not yet school-age, with mortgages, feeling crunched. I feel like (and am) an average Canadian. We're patting ourselves on the back because we have real estate to call home and are supportive of our group's attempts to raise children in a HCOL environment. These people are my people. Instead, because of where I live and work, I end up seeing people who aren't, shall we say, entirely representative of the average American (even I know the Average American doesn't afford nannies, equestrian events, McMansions, luxury vehicles, hedge funds, trips to Italy and Hawaii).

  8. Broken Arrow Says:
    1172259968

    "Upgrading their spouses"

    Ouch. In that case, I guess I was obsolete. Frown

    I think you're doing very well, and especially considering that you're not keeping up with the Joneses only means that you're doing even better than they appear to be on the surface.

  9. KEALINA Says:
    1172264078

    =D... i think you are doing great and it will definately pay off down the road when you can relax and enjoy your vacations knowing everything else is taken care of...

  10. LuckyRobin Says:
    1172273520

    Well, look at it this way, you won't still be working at age 70 and eating canned catfood because its all you can afford. You won't have a child who ignores you because you can't pay for him to take exotic trips when he's an adult (do they think this will end when the kids grow up? Not if they are accustomed to them). You most likely won't have to bail your kid out of debt because he is trying to keep up with the lifestyle he grew up with. And you won't have to deal with how expensive a divorce is, not just in money but in emotional health of you, your husband and your child.

    Personally, if you pick the right guy to begin with, that's all that matters. I wouldn't trade my wonderful husband for 1000 Hawaii vacations. Yes, I'd love to go to Hawaii whenever I felt like it or take a cruise on the newest ship, but I'd much rather have the relationship I have with my husband who is my best friend, the light of my life, and the most amazing man I've ever met and loves me no matter what, even when I'm being a right nutter. LOL

    Focus on the good and the rest will take care of itself.

  11. baselle Says:
    1172382849

    It sounds like that the peer group knows how to spend money. How easy is that! We prove every day that spending takes no innate talent. Increasing net worth by yourself takes talent.

    The BMW is leased, the private school only makes the kids brittle, bratty and acquisitive, their spouse is thinking of upgrading, and their last vacation plane flight found them spending 10 hrs on a tarmac near the overflowing toilet. But will they mention any of that? Nah, details.

    Its okay to have feelings of covetousness. Heck, I'm feeling covetous about your 440K net worth! But the fun part is turning it on its ear with a sense of humor...which costs no money yet can't be bought.

  12. paulettegoddard Says:
    1172383311

    baselle I feel covetous of your liquid assets and want to emulate your Treasury Direct actions. Half of the net worth is equity, pretty much near the other half is retirement. I could so easily lose it. With liquid assets I have freedom. With this net worth I have... a heartsinking knowledge that it's ethereal: the value is determined only by the mania and illusions of a housing market gone wild. Like those people who though they were rich because they owned Enron and Worldcom and Nortel Networks in their portfolios once upon a time.

  13. Lux Living Frugalis Says:
    1172408214

    There's a heck of a lot of wisdom in those last three posts!!

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