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Paulette's Helpful Hacker-Humbug Hints

December 18th, 2014 at 08:09 pm

Note: these work best in North American countries with a shameful GINI index. I have not tested this in Cuba or Nauru or Kazakhstan.

1. Have a terrible credit score.
2. Have outstanding warrants in as many states (or provinces?) as you can visit.
3. Live in such a way where you never have more than $132 in your chequing (checking) account.
4. Have a plethora of illicit and prosecute-able content on any computer you are worried about someone hacking. (Ask me about my Deep Web scores -- then again, don't.)
5. Be Black or Hispanic.
6. Leech your terrible internet from your neighbor's unprotected Wi-Fi. OR! Name your internet "FBI Surveillance Van" or "fbi furgoneta de vigilancia" if you're going the Hispanic route something similar.
7. Keep all important documents, including banking files, resumes, etc. on your Windows desktop so that hackers can quickly verify that your life is worthless.

Do as many of these as you can, and your PC/gateway to the world for shutins will be protected better than anything Symantec or Norton can come up with.

#7 I do for physical security. Keep a sour "honeypot" wallet with only a 5000 Korean Won note and print copies of "Archie Fan Club" membership cards when asked to surrender my wallet. However, as I rarely bring my cheap phone with me anywhere, wear a watch so I can answer someone's request for the time, and look like a homeless person reading a used paperback or a library book while riding transit, I haven't tested #7 yet in real life, but it's gotta be better than walking alone in high-density neighborhoods at 2:30 AM after visiting an outdoors ATM, head down intently gazing at one's tablet or texting away on an iPhone or Galaxy, then complain to the police you've been robbed, which is what people in my city do.

2 Responses to “Paulette's Helpful Hacker-Humbug Hints”

  1. FS Says:

    Number 5 is too difficult.

    For physical security, whenever we visit home country, my family and I always try to dress like the poor local to avoid all the hassles. It worked so well, we ended up getting the same treatment the poor locals got. Oy...

  2. PauletteGoddard Says:

    True No. 5 doesn't work for everyone, but an online identity like "Demarco Jenkins," "Tisha Emory," or "Ynez Villegas Garcia" may hinder those who like to profile. And in the country I live in, they LOVE to profile.

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